Expert Advice
December 14, 2009 by Administrator & California Exotic Novelties · 153 Comments
Has your sex life become boring or routine? Have you and your significant other run into problems in the bedroom? Are you lost when it comes to choosing the right sex toy?
When it comes to your life between the sheets, it’s hard to come across useful, expert advice.
That’s where we come in.
Ryan and Dr. Jessica Cassaday, recognized authorities on sexual satisfaction, have helped countless couples and individuals spice up their romantic and sexual lives—they can undoubtedly help you as well.
If you have any questions regarding sexual health, ask away!
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About Administrator & California Exotic Novelties
Q. We have ben try to stimulate my prostate,(toys,fingers)and I do not feel anything.
I am a 45 yr old male and I have had the normal after 40 doctor checks.I had a bad prostate infection back when I was in my late 20′early30′s could this cause me to have no feeling in my prostate?
I have read allot about how pleasurable it is and I would sure like to be able to find that pleasue!
A. Thanks for your question, Matt. Many men are interested in prostate stimulation because that little walnut-sized structure has been touted as the male G-Spot. Some men have reported mind-blowing orgasms from prostate stimulation alone, without having any additional stimulation of their penis. Others have not found prostate stimulation to be as pleasurable. Sometimes that is due to not knowing how to properly stimulate the prostate and other times; it is just a matter of preference (we all like different things) or comfort (having too much anxiety about the experience makes it less pleasurable). However, it sounds like you are saying that you don’t feel anything. We need to make sure we understand what you mean. Are you saying you don’t feel any touch in that area – meaning you are completely numb as if you have been anesthetized (like when the dentist numbs you before filling a cavity)? If that is the case, it sounds like there is some sort of neurological damage. If you noticed a change after the infection, then there could be a connection. The best course of action would be to see a physician to rule out neurological damage.
We have ben try to stimulate my prostate,(toys,fingers)and I do not feel anything.
I am a 45 yr old male and I have had the normal after 40 doctor checks.I had a bad prostate infection back when I was in my late 20′early30′s could this cause me to have no feeling in my prostate?
I have read allot about how pleasurable it is and I would sure like to be able to find that pleasue!
Thanks for the help
Matt malahy
Q.
Hello. I’m not sure how unique my problem is but here it is. First, I am 63 years old and am pretty active sexually still. Within the last year a slowly growing problem has arisen. During foreplay either with a partner or by myself, no matter, all the feeling are there that I expect should be there. In other words everything is functioning quite normally. Excitement builds, feelings build, approach to orgasmic state also functions as it should. At the absolute height of the stimulation directly before orgasm all of the expected feelings are there. At the very moment of the beginning of the orgasm, BANG, all the feeling drops immediately to zero. All the while I am ejaculating there is no pleasurable feelings to go along with my contractions or spasms, if you will. It all builds up fine and dandy until that moment of release. It falls right off the scale in a straight drop. I find myself actually having an orgasm with contractions and ejaculation but absolutely no feeling of it. This problem seems to have develped during this past year. maybe just a liitle longer. There’s been no change in my partner. No physical changes. No medication changes. Only meds are just a statin and a mild pain pill which i’ve taken for years, tramadol in very low dose. But I’ve never had any of these hinder my sex. Again, this will happen no matter if I’m having intercourse, oral sex or masturbation. I wonder if you’ve ever heard of this problem. I wonder if It could be medical in nature or possibly psychological in nature. If psychological, what could possibly bring it on and do you think it is reversable?
I appreciate your imput,
Mike
A.
Hello Mike. Thank you for your question and all of the helpful information you have provided. You are approaching the situation like a true sexual detective!
Three thoughts come to mind. First, the issue you are describing appears to be what is called ejaculatory anhedonia. This basically means that you are able to ejaculate without having the accompanying feelings of pleasure and release that are associated with reaching orgasm. This condition does not cause physical harm. However, it can be frustrating and upsetting to you and your partner. Ejaculatory anhedonia can have a variety of causes, including: low testosterone levels, high prolactin levels, use (or prior use) of SSRI antidepressants, use (or prior use) of antidopaminergic neuroleptics, fatigue, multiple sclerosis and other physical illnesses. You didn’t mention currently taking an antidepressant, but even past use of an SSRI antidepressant can cause ejaculatory anhedonia.
Secondly, it is worthwhile to note that men experience orgasms differently. Richard Milsten and Julian Slowinski, in their book, The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions, state that, “Orgasm and ejaculation are so closely related that men tend to use the term ‘orgasm’ to describe the overall experience and sensation, although the two can be desynchronized (i.e., there can be ejaculation without orgasm and orgasm without ejaculation).” Bernie Zilbergeld, author of The New Male Sexuality, states, “Sometimes there is no peak feeling and sometimes that feeling comes long before ejaculation. Some men don’t have a lot of feeling when they ejaculate, and some men have lots of peak feelings, with and without ejaculations. There is no good and bad, right and wrong, about any of this.” As you see, there is an incredible amount of normal variation when it comes to orgasms.
And finally, you mentioned that you were taking some medications. Both medications have documented sexual side effects. These are not common side effects, but they are nonetheless worth mentioning. Tramadol side effects include loss in sexual ability, desire, drive or performance effects. Statins also have sexual side effects, including loss of libido and erectile dysfunction. (Of course, you must not discontinue or reduce any of your medications without seeing your doctor.)
If you would like to explore the potential physical causes of your situation, please see your physician to discuss lab work that can be done. You have not mentioned any psychological factors that are likely to affect your sexual functioning, but if you feel that you have had interpersonal issues with your current partner, depression, anxiety, difficulty adjusting to stages of life, or any other emotional concerns, a therapist with training in Sex Therapy would be another treatment option.
We wish you well and please let us know if you have any other questions.
Hello. I’m not sure how unique my problem is but here it is. First, I am 63 years old and am pretty active sexually still. Within the last year a slowly growing problem has arisen. During foreplay either with a partner or by myself, no matter, all the feeling are there that I expect should be there. In other words everything is functioning quite normally. Excitement builds, feelings build, approach to orgasmic state also functions as it should. At the absolute height of the stimulation directly before orgasm all of the expected feelings are there. At the very moment of the beginning of the orgasm, BANG, all the feeling drops immediately to zero. All the while I am ejaculating there is no pleasurable feelings to go along with my contractions or spasms, if you will. It all builds up fine and dandy until that moment of release. It falls right off the scale in a straight drop. I find myself actually having an orgasm with contractions and ejaculation but absolutely no feeling of it. This problem seems to have develped during this past year. maybe just a liitle longer. There’s been no change in my partner. No physical changes. No medication changes. Only meds are just a statin and a mild pain pill which i’ve taken for years, tramadol in very low dose. But I’ve never had any of these hinder my sex. Again, this will happen no matter if I’m having intercourse, oral sex or masturbation. I wonder if you’ve ever heard of this problem. I wonder if It could be medical in nature or possibly psychological in nature. If psychological, what could possibly bring it on and do you think it is reversable?
I appreciate your imput,
Mike
Q: I am a 66 yr. old male ,the cock ring keeps me firm but when i take it off I lose part of my erection. Any suggestions. Also it is difficult to come to climax with the ring in place. Ejaculation has become much more difficult. and I think something with an intense stimulation on the head of the penis would bring a climax. Any suggestions. Thanks
A: Thanks for your question. Cock rings are designed to restrict blood flow out of the penis, thus prolonging an erection. A cock ring is easiest to put on when you are semi-erect, so some physical stimulation or fantasizing may be necessary to ‘get you going’ before putting the ring on. Make sure to apply some lube so that the ring slides on easily. You may find that you like the feeling of having the ring only around the shaft of your penis, but you may want to try wearing your ring around the base of your scrotum and shaft as well. To do that, put your scrotum through the cock ring, one ball at a time and then slide your penis in head first. Some men find that this greatly increases hardness and sensitivity!
When you remove the cock ring, blood will be able to flow out of the penis, so you may start to lose your erection. For that reason, we usually suggest keeping the ring on and removing it after you have ejaculated. Many men find that they have more intense orgasms while wearing a cock ring. However, it sounds like you are saying that it is difficult to climax with the ring on, but you will lose your erection if you remove the ring. In that case, try keeping a cock ring on, but increase stimulation. You definitely have the right idea about wanting to stimulate the head of the penis because it has such a high concentration of nerve endings. For solo play, you could try using a sleeve that has vibration in the tip like the Miracle Massager Stroker Kit. This unique toy (which will be available mid-August 2011) is a variation of the Miracle Massager, with the vibrating tip of the massager attached to a masturbation sleeve providing intense vibrations right on the tip of the penis! For partner sex, try the Support Plus Head Exciter, which offers the benefits of the patented semi-circle stainless steel support system with stainless steel pleasure beads and a textured sleeve for added stimulation during intercourse. Remember that a cock ring should not be worn for more than 30 minutes and if you experience pain, numbness, or if your penis feels cold, remove it right away.
Since we are not familiar with the cause of your difficulty maintaining an erection, we encourage you to see a physician if you have not already done so. Sexual health is an important part of overall health and wellness and you are entitled to enjoy sexual pleasure as part of a happy, healthy lifestyle. If you are taking a medication or have a medical condition that impacts your ability to reach orgasm, talking to your physician about changing your medication or treating the underlying medical condition could also help.
Q: My first fist visit to this Site. I purchased few items from A&E that brought me here. Dr. Jessica’s explanation is very insightful. Two quick questions: Does California Exotic have a catalog site? Does satisfying a woman sexually really have to do with size of the penis? As there are different sizes of penis, are there different sizes of female organs also?
A: California Exotic Novelties does not sell directly to the public, but the products are available through retail stores and web sites all over the world. We have a convenient search tool called Find-a- Vibe that will help you find the perfect product that fits your needs: http://www.calexotics.com/FindVibrator.aspx.
As for your other questions, many men wonder if penis size really matters and we are glad that you are also considering female genital size because that is obviously part of the equation, too! The vagina is shaped like a sleeve. It is typically 3 ½ to 4 inches in length and less than 1 inch in diameter when it is relaxed. It extends to 5 to 6 inches in length and 1 ½ to 2 ½ inches in diameter (the narrowest portion is at the vaginal opening) when a woman is aroused and ready for intercourse. The size can also change during childbirth because of the extreme expansion required to fit a baby. In addition to these changes, there is also natural variation. About 10% of women are on the smaller side and have a narrower vagina, while another 30% of women have a wider vagina. Although many men think that a looser vagina is from having a lot of intercourse, it is unlikely that something penis-sized would cause the permanent stretching to the vagina that happens during childbirth. Besides, some women are just on the wider size and it has nothing to do with childbirth or the size of the rest of their body.
That said, penis size is still a concern to some men. According to a recent British study, 63% of men complained that their penis size was not adequate. In the same study, 85% of women reported that they were happy with their partner’s size. So as you can see, women are much less concerned than men. Although there are some women who prefer a larger penis (perhaps due to enjoying the feeling of greater stimulation of the vaginal walls or needing more friction if their vagina is a little on the wider side), many are quite content and have other concerns about sexual pleasure that are higher on the list than penis size. Satisfying a woman is about creating a pleasurable experience. Here are three tips:
1. Extend foreplay. Many men rush through this very important step. It can take 20 minutes for a woman to become fully aroused and ready for love. Make sure that you are kissing, caressing and massaging her from head to toe before you get down to business. If you haven’t explored massage products, take a look at the Tantric line for some great choices!
2. Remember the clitoris. Most women require extra clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. You may want to include a vibrating bullet or egg as part of foreplay. You can also use a vibrating ring to add some clitoral stimulation during intercourse.
3. Pay attention. Yes, that can be difficult in the heat of the moment, but do your best to observe her responses. Her moans and groans will let you know if you are doing something great. If she is on the quiet side, don’t be afraid to ask, “Does that feel good?”
Q: My husband has been having some problems achieving and maintaining an erection. Last night we bought the Quick Draw after seeing a similar product’s infomercial. There really aren’t any instructions with it and we had quite a bit of difficulty getting it to pump up. Finally after cutting the end off of the latex sleeve we got it. Problem is, after we pumped and got him hard, he got soft again while trying to get the erection enhancer on. Help! Tips?
A: Thanks for your question. The idea is to use the pump to achieve sufficient suction to draw more blood into the penis, which is then temporarily “trapped” by the enhancer ring. It is important to get the ring on as quickly as possible by stretching it and sliding it over the penis. Using a lubricant (we recommend Universal Lube since the enhancer ring is made of silicone) can make it easier to slide the latex sleeve over the penis and it should make the ring slide more easily so you can get it on quickly. You may also want to trim any pubic hair that is in the way because that can also get in the way of the vacuum seal.
I am a 66 yr. old male ,the cock ring keeps me firm but when i take it off I lose part of my erection. Any suggestions. Also it is difficult to come to climax with the ring in place. Ejaculation has become much more difficult. and I think something with an intense stimulation on the head of the penis would bring a climax. Any suggestions. Thanks
My husband has been having some problems achieving and maintaining an erection. Last night we bought the Quick Draw after seeing a similar product’s infomercial. There really aren’t any instructions with it and we had quite a bit of difficulty getting it to pump up. Finally after cutting the end off of the latex sleeve we got it. Problem is, after we pumped and got him hard, he got soft again while trying to get the erection enhancer on.
Help! Tips?
Thanks,
Vickie
Nice subject great exececution on your site
My first fist visit to this Site. I purchased few items from A&E that brought me here. Dr. Jessica’s explaination is very insightful. Two quick questions: Does California Exotic have a catalog site? Does satisfying a woman sexually really have to do with size of the penis? As there are different sizes of penis, are there different sizes of female organs also?
Q:
I could use some advice. Never achieved an orgasm close doesn’t count. Been seeing someone he has got me as close as I ever been. After 30-40 mins nothing a few drips but nothing more. I recently purchase a vibrator after 40 mins with it the same thing just a drip. So frustrating and disappointing. Am I missing something? I feel like I’m going to cum but nothing.
A:
Thank you for your question. What you are describing sounds like anorgasmia, which is the medical term for difficulty reaching orgasm after adequate stimulation. We understand why this would be frustrating, but you are not alone: this issue affects at least 1 in 5 women worldwide.
Like many issues related to sexuality, dealing with this problem is going to require some detective work. You say that you “never” achieved an orgasm, so we are assuming that this is a lifelong issue and not due to a recent change (like starting an antidepressant). However, if you are relatively young and have been taking an antidepressant or other medication during the entire time that you have been sexually active, that could be the reason. It is actually quite common for an antidepressant to cause anorgasmia and many people who take antidepressants complain of that feeling that they are almost there, but never quite reach orgasm. If this is the cause, it is important to tell your prescribing doctor that you are experiencing this adverse side effect and you would like to explore other medication options.
Some of the other causes could be medical issues (like diabetes, neurological disorders, hormonal imbalances, etc.), drug or alcohol use, psychological concerns (depression, anxiety, history of sexual abuse, cultural and religious beliefs that encourage shame, fear of pregnancy, guilt about sexual experience, etc.), relationship issues (lack of trust, feelings of betrayal, lack of communication about sexual needs, etc.) and finally, an incomplete understanding of what stimulation is adequate for you. The last one is very important because many women who’ve never had an orgasm aren’t getting enough effective sexual stimulation and they don’t even realize it. In fact, less than a third of women consistently have orgasms with sexual activity and it is largely due to inadequate clitoral stimulation.
If you are fairly certain that you are in good health (a medical doctor can check your hormone levels or evaluate whether there are other medical concerns like diabetes), we would start with education. Adequate stimulation is different for everyone, and most women need intense, focused clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. It is great that you have an attentive partner and that you also thought to use a vibrator, but are you focusing on clitoral stimulation? Are you using a vibrator that is inserted rather than a strong clitoral stimulator like the High Intensity Bullet or High Intensity Snow Bunny? We often recommend those two because they are very partner friendly and offer the intense clitoral stimulation that many women need.
Whether using your fingers or a clitoral toy, get to know what stimulation is adequate for you. This takes experimentation and many people find this homework to be a lot of fun! Get to know your anatomy. Most women have never looked at their vulva (external genitalia), so get a hand mirror and take a look and what’s going on down there. Locate your clitoris. Don’t be embarrassed if you don’t know exactly where it is – many women can’t locate their clitoris or think it’s someplace inside that only a penis can reach. In actuality, the clitoris is outside of the body and not adequately stimulated during intercourse. That’s why we encourage people to try different position that offer better access to the clitoris with toys (like woman on top or doggie style). Sometimes it is best to do this exploration on your own first so there is no pressure to please your partner. Remember, if you make an important discovery about how you can be stimulated to orgasm, you can share it with your partner and then try it together, too!
If you have ruled out a medical condition and direct stimulation of the clitoris does not work for you, it could be an issue that needs to be addressed with a Sex Therapist. Did any of the psychological concerns sound familiar to you? If yes, these are all issues that can be addressed in therapy and the good news is, many people are able to improve their sexual experience through a combination of education and therapy.
Hope this helps and please contact us again if you have any more questions!
I could use some advice. Never achieved an orgasm close doesn’t count. Been seeing someone he has got me as close as I ever been. After 30-40 mins nothing a few drips but nothing more. I recently purchase a vibrator after 40 mins with it the same thing just a drip. So frustrating and disappointing. Am I missing something? I feel like I’m going to cum but nothing.
Check out some of the items here http://www.calexotics.com/s-44-crystal-high-intensity-bullets.aspx
what does the high intensity bullet loook like?
Hello and thank you for your question. We are really glad that you had the courage to ask a question that concerns many other men. In fact, as many as one in three men experience premature ejaculation at one time or another. First, there is not a “correct” amount of time that a man should last before ejaculating. In fact, this is only considered an issue if it is sooner than you or a partner would like. Second, there are a number of reasons why you may reach orgasm more quickly than you desire. Sometimes, this could be due to anxiety – like when you start a new sexual relationship or have stress in a current relationship. Other times, erectile dysfunction can be an issue. Many men who are concerned about their ability to maintain an erection become anxious and are a little quick to finish. Less commonly, it is due to a medical condition. The good news is, most of the time you can learn to last longer through some simple techniques.
Before you follow any of our recommendations, realize that sensual enjoyment is not measured in minutes of performance. Your partner may be completely satisfied through extended foreplay and if you are focusing on giving pleasure through oral sex or using pleasure toys that add stimulation, you may not be disappointing your partner at all! Communicate with your partner about what feels good and if there is even a desire to extend the amount of time you spend on penetration. If after that, you have truly established that you and/or your partner desire more penetration, you can try the “stop and start” method. When things really begin heating up (perhaps near the 9 minute mark or so), stop the stimulation for about 30 seconds and then you can continue again. Make sure to stop before you reach that point of no return (we call that ejaculatory inevitability), when you can’t stop yourself from ejaculating. You can continue this process until you would like to ejaculate. During the “stop” phase, let your mind relax. This is where the old recommendation to “think of baseball” comes into play. If it is not too stimulating, you can also focus on other activities like using a toy on your partner or performing oral sex.
If that is helpful, but not adequate, you can try a desensitizing gel like UP – Keep it Up Men’s Delaying Gel, which is a great product that reduces sensitivity, allowing you to perform longer. A combination of the “stop and start” method and the desensitizing gel will probably help, but if it doesn’t, you may want to consider speaking with a therapist about anxiety related to sexual experience or explore medication options.
Hope this helps you feel more confident and able to achieve the result you desire. Remember, communication is the first step and key to intimate success and happiness!
i was wondering how i could last longer in bed.. Usually its only been about 10 minutes, which is not good at all.
Thank you for this question and for your patience in our reply. We wanted to ensure we did our research fully and completely before giving you an answer. After our thorough search, we have determined that California Exotic Novelties does not have any other product options that fit your desired specifications other than perhaps another Betty’s Jelly Bumble Bee Strap-On. We are glad that your question has brought this to our attention because we would like to speak with our design team about better options for Trans Men. We welcome your feedback and are grateful that you reached out to us. Please help us keep this dialog open so that we can increase awareness and assist others looking for similar products.
Thanks for your great question. Many people are interested in exploring bondage or the use of restraints as part of their erotic enjoyment and being tied up is an exciting way to enhance your sensual experience with a partner. We think it is fantastic that after 18 years of marriage, you are still focused on enhancing your sexual experience together!
We do have some suggestions and information to help you as you begin this new journey together. As far as her interest in being tied up, this introduces the idea of Bondage which brings the aspect of trust into the mix. The basic idea is creating a more intense experience or “scene” as lovers let go of control and become immersed in pleasure they cannot resist. The active partner (or “top”) is responsible for restraining the other partner. Although the top is more dominant in the scene, he or she should not focus on their own pleasure or fantasies. Some of the greatest enjoyment a top can experience is by pleasuring his or her partner, who cannot resist their touch. The passive partner (or “bottom”) can enjoy the experience of receiving pleasure without having to reciprocate. Some people find it arousing to act out a “struggle” scene, where they are trying to resist their partner’s advances. Resisting physically causes an adrenaline rush, which some find leads to a more intense sexual experience. Other types of bondage, like blindfolding, a form of sensory deprivation, can lead to a feeling of heightened sensations in other parts of the body as you eliminate your sense of sight and focus on your other senses.
Here are some suggestions for beginners exploring bondage:
1. Talk about what you are going to do ahead of time. This will help prepare both of you and reduce anxiety. As you become more experienced with bondage, you can be more spontaneous and use a safe word (a word that the bottom will use to immediately stop the scene). Using restraints involves mutual respect and observance of rules. The credo of the Bondage community is “Safe, Sane and Consensual.”
2. Tie your wife’s wrists together with a silk scarf and start by teasing her with a feather. Tempt and tease her until she begs for more.
3. Try blindfolding her during foreplay or intercourse. Awaken her other senses and stimulate her to a powerful orgasm.
4. Wrist cuffs are more comfortable than handcuffs and a great way to restrain a partner during erotic play. They are great for beginners because you can have fun knowing you can always escape. Try Lover’s Super Strap ® – Heart Ring Fantasy Kit™ to enhance your erotic experience. It includes an eye mask, a teasing whip and plushy faux fur lined, adjustable cuffs with heart shaped “D” rings and Velcro® closures.
Hello and thank you for your question. First of all we would encourage you to relax and not put too much pressure on yourself to perform. As soon as you feel that you must ejaculate with your partner in order to have a fulfilling experience, you may unintentionally create some performance anxiety. Try to relax and enjoy the sensations of the experience as opposed to judging yourself and evaluating your performance. In terms of masturbating, it is not typically the amount of masturbation as much as it is the type of masturbation that can affect your ability to ejaculate when having intercourse with a woman. If, for instance, you don’t use lubricant, stroke very hard and/or aggressively, or use a textured toy or other item (e.g., a towel), you may be training yourself to need a lot of friction in order to reach orgasm. It is possible that your daily masturbation works for you, but you are getting used to stimulation that is very different from the internal structure of a vagina. You may not be receiving the kind of stimulation you need from intercourse. If that is the case, you may want to start with penetrative sex and then show your lady how to pleasure you in the same way you pleasure yourself until you ejaculate. This may be successful. However, if this does not work for you, we would have to do some more detective work. The good news is, if you are able to ejaculate at all – even without a partner – it is not likely that you have any serious physical issues and you are very likely to be able to work through this. If this is a long-term issue, you may want to see a therapist who can help you understand why you may have difficulty experiencing intimacy with a partner. If this has just occurred these few times, we would want to know if there have been other recent changes such as a new medication, increased stress/anxiety or depression. Good luck and let us know if you have any more questions.
I had sex with a woman a few times but didn’t manage to ejaculate I think I may have delayed ejaculation I can manage to do it by myself biut cant easily do it with someone else I think I’m going crazy what’s wrong with me please help could my penis be desensitised from masturbating every day perhaps
Hey guys. I wonder if you can help. ALL I’m looking for is a strap on that has a dong of at LEAST 8″ with dual pleasure. (Some for me, some for her.) It would be excellent if it was wireless! I’m not sure where else to look. I’ve spent hours on the internet looking at every possible strap on there is and can’t find a single thing. Any suggestions on where to look?
I have Betty’s Jelly Bumble Bee strap on and it was absolutely perfect! Perfect size, perfect everything. The straps were uncomfortable but I could deal. And for some reason the vibration stopped working (I think we used it to much, haha.) If I could find something just like that, but wireless, I would be in heaven. What are your suggestions if any?
Hello Doctor. I m from india and looking to buy a dildo online. what is the process? can i order from india?
My wife and I have been together for 18 years, a very happy 18 years I might add. Not too long ago she expressed an intrest in being tied up. This all actualy sounds like fun but I’m not sure how to get going so to speak. Any suggestions?
Hi Diana and thank you for your question. Some women are unable to reach climax even with adequate stimulation, whether alone or with a partner. This is called anorgasmia. If this is your situation, we would suggest seeing your medical doctor to determine if there could be physical reasons why you are unable to reach orgasm. Some medical conditions cause anorgasmia (diabetic neuropathy, cardiovascular disease, multiple sclerosis, hormonal imbalance, complications from genital surgery, trauma from childbirth, etc.). Some antidepressants also cause anorgasmia, but this condition would be expected to reverse after the medication is discontinued. If, on the other hand, you are able to stimulate yourself (with your fingers or using a toy) to orgasm, we would have to explore what specific issues are preventing you from reaching orgasm with a partner. Sometimes it is just a matter of educating your partner about what kind of touch you prefer. Other times, there may be beliefs about sexuality or a history or sexual trauma that affects your ability to have a safe, loving experience with a partner. In that case, you may benefit from speaking with a therapist who specializes in the treatment of sexual disorders. You are entitled to have a pleasurable sexual experience, so we encourage you to explore this further.
Thank you for your question Renato. It is true that many medications can hinder erections. For instance, medicines that regulate high blood pressure (antihypertensive drugs) can cause problems, as well as anti-depressants or anti-psychotics which can cause lowered libido and difficulty achieving erection. We are not sure which medications you are taking, but if a doctor has prescribed these medications, you should express your concern about the side effects and explore alternative treatments. Sometimes people are uncomfortable telling their doctor that they are experiencing sexual side effects. Please do not stop taking a prescribed medication without seeing your doctor.
medications hinder my ejaculation process to the point I cannot orgasm….any advice would be appreciated?
Renato
Hi, I’m 30 and had an active sex life since i was 19, but have never experienced an orgasm while having sex with someone. Should I see a doctor about it?
Hello, Yikes! Thank you for your great question and honesty!
Purchasing a sex toy can be an exciting experience, but it can also be
confusing and overwhelming because there are so many to choose from -
and they all do so many different things! Since this will be your
first, we encourage you to start with something simple. We recommend
something from a group of toys that focus on external stimulation,
commonly called “bullets, eggs or mini massagers.” These are great
beginner toys because they are simple, fun to use and since most women
rely on clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, they “get the job done.”
You could try something like the High Intensity Bullet, which is
waterproof, incredibly powerful and has three speeds. It is small in
size, but huge in satisfaction. Having variable speeds is great
because it allows you to experiment with the intensity of stimulation
to determine which you enjoy the most. The High Intensity bullet is
longer than a typical bullet, so it can also be used for shallow
vaginal stimulation. If you don’t want to deal with buttons or
switches, we recommend trying the incredible iTap Egg or iTap Bullet.
They each have five functions of vibration, pulsation and escalation,
which are activated with a simple tap. In fact, they are so easy to
use that you simply tap once for vibration and twice for pulsation.
Many women enjoy the pulsation feature because the rhythmic movements
mimic the thrusting of intercourse. If you like the vibration,
pulsation and escalation and want a toy that “fits” your clitoris, try
the Elle 10-Function Clitoral Dancer. This toy has a contoured scoop
for optimal clitoral stimulation plus a pinpoint tip for intense
action. It is whisper quiet, but very powerful!
Keep in mind that all of these toys can be used alone or with a
partner. When used alone, they are great tools for helping you
determine which sensations feel best to you, which is valuable
information when it comes time to let a partner know what feels good.
The more you know about your own body, the more you can help your
partner to enhance your sensual enjoyment together. When used with a
partner, these toys can provide extra stimulation during oral sex and
you (or your partner) can hold them in place during the main event for
additional stimulation and greater satisfaction.
QUESTION (From Email)
“Yikes wrote – Hi! I’m a 21 year old female virgin from the midwest
that would like to know what’s the best way to choose a first time sex
toy?”
i got the eclipse II and put them in and i dont really feel any differance. am i putting them in wrong or something?
Hello Cody and thank you for your question about penis enlarger products. We know many men are curious about these products and want to know if they really work. Each of the products you mentioned makes specific claims about penis enlargement based on “medical studies.” We are familiar with the products (I think you mean Jes-Extender by the same company that is responsible for Male Edge), but we do not know if their claims are legitimate and if the products are safe. In terms of medical claims, we would look to the FDA to validate such claims. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is the federal governmental agency charged with protecting the health and welfare of the American public through the regulation of food, drugs and medical devices. When a device or drug is FDA-Approved, it means that every aspect of the device, including any claims made on packaging or advertising, has been scientifically proven to be valid, safe and effective. This involves extensive clinical trials with hundreds of patients.
For temporary enlarging and a much smaller price tag, you could try any number of California Exotics Penis Pumps. These are not medical devices and they are not making any medical claims. They are novelties, which mean they are meant to be enjoyable and enhance pleasure. A penis pump uses suction to increase blood flow into the penis, often resulting in a longer, thicker and harder erection for the period of time that you most desire more size – namely, during intimate moments.
Hey Cody, thank you for this great question. Many men are unaware that you should even think about how long to wear a ring and they risk injury and bruising from wearing their ring for extended periods of time. To answer your question, you are correct that the common recommendation is no longer than 20-30 minutes at a time. The reason for this is that the ring traps blood in the penis, which results in engorgement of the blood vessels, creating greater sensitivity and a firmer erection. However, spending too much time with the constriction of a cock ring can damage the capillaries and bruise the penis. This is why we advise people against using the ring for too long at a time. If you would like to use the ring a second time in the same day, we suggest waiting at least an hour to give your penis time to allow the blood to circulate. If you ever experience numbness, pain or discoloration or if your penis, remove the ring immediately.
Hello and thank you for this question. There are a number of different questions within this question so we will address each of your concerns. What you are describing is very common so there is nothing to worry about. Every individual is different so there is no need to worry if you are average. There are some men who are unable to have an erection at all and others who can be erect for long periods of time. The only person you need to be aware of is yourself and how you function. If you want to last longer there are a number of things you can try ranging from using desensitizing creams like Luv Stuff ® – All Night Long Erection Cream, Sta-Hard ® Cream, or Julian’s Rock Hard™ Cream or even trying different rings. The Ultimate Stroker Beads are a very good product and may work very well for you, but you may find that a stretchy ring helps you to last longer. While the stroker beads provide additional stimulation, it may not provide the constriction of a stretchy ring. Most importantly, remember that good sex is not determined by the amount of time you can stay hard. There are many different ways to please your partner and if you are concerned about being able to stay erect long enough for your girlfriend to reach orgasm, you may also want to find a ring that gives her some extra clitoral stimulation. Many women cannot reach orgasm through intercourse alone and a ring like the Vibrating Support Plus™ – Beaded Ring Exciter or Clit Flicker™ With Wireless Stimulator can provide extra clitoral stimulation for her pleasure. The last suggestion is not to feel pressure to perform. Relax and focus on helping her reach climax before you do so that you know she was satisfied so there is no pressure on you. The last part of your question in terms of how long you should wear rings to be safe, the common recommendation is no longer than 20-30 minutes at a time. The reason for this is that the ring traps blood in the penis, which results in engorgement of the penis, creating greater sensitivity and a firmer erection. However, spending too long with a cock ring on can damage the capillaries and bruise the penis which is why it is a good idea not to wear it too long at a time.
There are a few options here, but first its about communication. She needs to ask him what feels good and what she can do to help him “get off.” She may have to give some lube to him and masturbate him with the guys hands leading the way. Women have to learn their man’s body in much the same way that men have to learn their ladies body. Toys are great, so maybe he needs to show her how to use the toy on him so that she can learn what feels best on him.
Well communication is very important when wanting to try new things. You need to communicate your desire to explore new aspects of your sexual life together. In order to have this conversation, you need to let your partner know that this is something that is a turn on for you and want to know if he is open to trying it. Also, let him know that prostate health is very important and underated in a man’s health. Therefore, some anal play can be done with sexual health in mind. The prostate is also considered a male G-Spot, so maybe let him know that many men, whom do not consider anal play gay, really enjoy anal stimulation. If your partner is open, then the next thing to consider is whether a strap on is the first toy to try when exploring anal. Most people want to warm up to a strap on by starting with smaller less adventurous toys at least initials.
In terms of a first sex toy, we usually have people start with a clitoral vibrator. This is a toy that is not necessarily used for internal stimulation, but for external stimulation. Many women prefer clitoral stimulation anyways and find that the only way they can orgasm is from clitoral play. This is also important for knowing your body better, the more you know how you like to be pleasured the more you can share with your partner about pleasing your body and having orgasm. You could also get a toy that can be used either internally or externally to explore what feels best.
I’ve been thinking about buying a sex toy for the first time. I’ve been shopping online but there are so many toys to choose from. Different shapes, sizes, colors, features — it is overwhelming for a newbie. What is a good “starter” toy for me? Help a girl out!
Me and my boyfriend are always trying out new things in the bedroom and after a recent trip to our local adult toy store and seeing some of the new strap ons – I’d like to try “pegging” my boyfriend. He’s usually up for anything but he’s a little hesitant about anal sex on him.
I’m in a new relationship with my partner but having a hard time bringing him to climax. I’ve tried pleasing him orally and stroking him but it never leads to the “big finish” like when he pleasures himself. Is there something I am missing?
Hi Jessica and Ryan!
I have some problems to keep a strong erection for more than 5 or 7 minutes. Am I an average lover? My girlfriend ask me to last long so I´ve bought the “Ultimate Stroker Beads” to improve my performance time. Do I have any care about the time I must wear it? How much time do yo recomend me to wear it ? and Do I need a resting period between sessions? Thank you.
And what do you think about penis enlarger like Andro Penis, Jex Extender or Male Edge? Do they work? Are they safe? Thanks a lot, and keep the good job.
Many people are curious about anal sex, but are too afraid to explore this erogenous zone or too uncomfortable to ask questions about how to stimulate this “taboo” area of the body. We are glad that you asked this question because many people experience great pleasure from anal play. However, this is a very sensitive part of the body and there is also the potential for pain and injury if you are not careful.
First, pain is our body’s way of telling us that something is wrong. The anus has a very high concentration of nerve endings, which means that you can experience great discomfort if you are not able to relax and be gentle with this very sensitive tissue. Typically, when a person is not used to anal play, the muscles inside the anus react by going into spasm as if locking out an intruder. Perhaps you have had that experience when your husband inserts his fingers. It almost feels like your body is saying: “Stay out!”
To enjoy anal sex, you have to eliminate the pain and possibility of physical injury. Here are a few suggestions of ways to make the experience more enjoyable:
1. Make sure that you feel ready for the experience. You will be more relaxed and experience less pain if you feel clean and stress-free. Try taking a hot shower or luxurious bath with your partner before attempting anal stimulation.
2. Don’t skimp on the foreplay. You will be more receptive to the experience if you are already sexually aroused. Enjoy massaging or touching each other’s bodies without rushing into anal play. You may also need some clitoral stimulation to “get you going” before you attempt anal sex. Have you favorite bullet vibrator on hand (we recommend the High Intensity Bullet!).
3. Use a good lubricant. We recommend good water based or silicone lubricant because the anus is not self-lubricating and using lubrication makes the process more enjoyable and easier to explore. If you and your husband are monogamous you may want to skip condoms: however, for others who are reading this posting, make sure to use condoms if you are not in a monogamous relationship or if you and your partner have not been tested for everything! Unprotected anal sex is considered very high risk for transmission of STIs (sexually transmitted infections). Some people also prefer using condoms during anal sex because they feel “cleaner.”
4. Avoid anal sex if you have any discomfort from hemorrhoids and constipation.
5. Relax! Deep breathing affects the anal muscles and can help you relax in the moment. Tensing up the anal muscles and then letting go is another way to relax.
6. Get to know your anatomy. Discomfort can be alleviated by by touching the anus and becoming more familiar with it before you attempt anal sex with a partner. Try touching your anus when you are in the shower or bath. You have two muscular rings called sphincters in your anal opening. Each functions independently. You will see that you can easily control the external sphincter (the one closest to outside the body), but the internal sphincter is different. This muscle is controlled by the autonomic nervous system, which controls your heartbeat and other involuntary responses to stress. That is why you may find that the muscle can tense up “on its own” even if you feel relaxed and really want to have this experience.
7. Practice, practice, practice! A great way to learn some voluntary control of the internal sphincter is to use Dr. Joel Kaplan’s Anal Dilator Kit. Start with the smallest probe and insert it gently so you feel pressure, but not pain. As you get more comfortable with the smallest size you may want to start moving up in size to prepare for penis insertion. You may want to try using the dilators daily in the shower as a way to prepare your body for more comfortable anal play when the time is right for you and your partner. Pay attention to the muscle reaction and you will see that you will gradually be able to have greater control.
8. Have fun!
Hello! I´m a male and I am experimenting with cock rings. Is true that I can only use it 20 minutes and then I have to wait one hour to use it again. Are safe? Thanks.
My husband some time ago got me to try anal play and it turned out I did like it but we are having some trouble with it. His a able to use his finger or 2 but after that it hurts. I want to be able to use his penis but no matter how much we try we just can’t make it that far. So I guess my question is what do we need to do to reach that goal. Thanks
Hello Samuel and thank you for asking this question. In general all rings are designed with the same idea: for you to place the ring around the base of your penis. There are many types of rings and each ring is shaped differently. Some rings are very stretchy and can also be placed around the penis and scrotum. To put it on, all you have to do is simply stretch the ring and pull it over the head of the penis and place it around the base of the shaft of your penis. The purpose of this ring (and all basic rings) is to slightly constrict blood flow to ensure that you have a longer and harder erection. Many men like wearing rings for this reason. The Pearl Beaded Prolong Ring is a great choice because it is made from Silicone which means it is the most hygienic and easiest to clean. It is also unique due to the configuration of the pearls along the ring.
From Email: Can you tell me how to wear the Prolong Ring item #SE 1425-22-2? How to put it on?
Thank you for asking this question. Many women are reluctant to admit that they do not find sex with a partner to be pleasurable. It is brave of you to discuss this because this is the first step to having a better sexual experience. It sounds like there may be two different issues here. First, if you are not experiencing pleasure during sex, we are assuming that you are not able to have an orgasm. Many women are perfectly “normal” but are just not educated about the different ways to increase stimulation during intercourse so that they can reach orgasm. Studies show that only 20 percent of women are able to orgasm with penetration alone and most women need some sort of direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse. If lack of stimulation is your primary issue, you may want to try using the High Intensity Bullet for three speeds of vibration during intercourse. The highest setting is actually quite intense! You could also try the Couple’s Pleasure Paddle, which has a patented design that allows you to hold the vibrator in place, providing additional clitoral stimulation during intercourse. If this does not work because your issue is in fact lack of sensation or inability to become fully aroused (lack of blood flow to the genital area, lack of lubrication, etc.), you may be dealing with a psychological or general medical condition. Identifying a specific condition would require additional information about your health (sexual history, illnesses, injuries, medications, substance abuse, etc.), so we suggest that you first make an appointment with a physician. If he or she determines that you do not have a medical condition, the next step would be to see a psychotherapist who specializes in sexual disorders.
Hello! I’ve had a problem that has been bugging me for quite sometime, i never feel any pleasure or any much sensation during sex! There is no pain but all i can really feel is just the feeling of my partner going in and out of me and that’s it. I been looking all over for answer but can’t seem to find anything anywhere, i was wondering if you could please help to give me some information about this! -thanks
Hello and thank you for your two part question about the Max Vibrating Cock and Balls. In terms of part one of your question about the suction cup: the first thing you want to do is make sure that you are not trying to stick the suction to a porous surface. You need a smooth surface or the suction will not work. Secondly, make sure the suction cup is clean (no debris) because the suction won’t adhere well to a dirty surface. Thirdly, make sure to moisten the suction cup by rubbing it lightly beneath the suction cup rim without getting it too wet. Next, press the suction cup down all the way against the surface. If it shows signs that it is not sticking, push it down again until it sticks. This should help ensure that the toy sticks. Now we can address the second part of your question about the powder. This toy is made of a Futurotic material that requires some very easy care. To clean the toy, wash with warm water and antibacterial soap. Next you want to let the toy air dry completely and then sprinkle the powder (or cornstarch) onto the toy. You want to do this before the first use and after each use to prevent the toy from becoming sticky. Also, be aware that contact with silicone-based lubricants will cause damage to the surface of the toy so make sure to use only water based lubricants. Hope this helps
Q- Hi, I just purchased the Max Vibrating Cock & Balls, item # 0157-01-3 and the reason I purchased it was for the suction cup, however I cannot seem to get it to suction to anywhere! I am hoping you can give me a little insight on how to get the suction to hold. Also it came with powder, what am I supposed to do with that???
The Senso rings are designed to increase pleasure for you and your partner. Place a ring around the base of your penis to maintain a harder erection for a longer period of time. Each ring is shaped differently and during intercourse, the various nubs and ticklers provide additional clitoral stimulation for her. Since many women need extra clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm during intercourse, this is a great way to enhance your experience together.
how do you use the senso 6 pak Super-Stretchy Enhancers?